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LOVE IS NEVER BLIND

by Rachael Comfort

Three years ago I lost sight in both eyes due to a tragic accident. The doctors were hopeful that they might be able to restore my vision someday with surgery. In the meantime I had to continue on with my life. What was once filled with light, was now a deep unimaginable darkness. Sure I had my support team of friends to help me after the accident. But eventually they had to get on with their lives as well. I was left with an intense loneliness. I would dream at night that I could see. But I would wake still blind and in a state of depression. How would I live, work and get around? Even more horrifying was the realization that I may never be loved.

What if I would never have sex again? Before my life was full and active. I had boyfriends and was looking forward to finding a good man to marry and have children with. After the accident I lost my boyfriend. He just couldn't handle it. I lost my job at the travel agency, and I lost all but a few of my closest friends. I started to drink and take medication heavily. But I am an optimist by nature and after a couple of months I quit. I was determined to have a successful life. I went to classes to learn how to cope with my blindness and eventually learned how to get around and read Braille. I went back to work for a progressive company that viewed my intelligence and determination as an asset.

This is where my love story begins. It was a spring morning on my way to work. It's funny how you experience the world around you when you cannot see it. The smell of new flowers, the bird's singing, people talking, even the feel of the cool spring air on my skin brought me back to life. I was sitting at my usual outdoor table at the café. I stop there every morning to have my cappuccino. The waitress had become a good friend and it was only a few doors down from where I worked.

I sensed someone standing next to me. A voice spoke "Hello, may I join you for coffee this morning?" The voice was deep and manly with an air of sensitivity. I responded, "that would be lovely, I would enjoy some company." He continued "I've seen you here quite a lot. You just looked so beautiful sitting here in the morning sun, that I had to overcome my shyness and meet you." God I haven't heard those words in a long time. It filled my heart with warmth. After we introduced ourselves and chatted about where we both worked I decided to be frank with him right off the bat. I no longer hid behind self-doubt, pity or insecurity about my condition. "I had an accident a few years ago that left me blind." Matter of fact he replied, "I know, and I'm not impressed!" He made me laugh out loud. It was refreshing to have someone joke about it. I liked him immediately. He told me that people always judge each other for all the wrong reasons. The compassion in his voice was sincere. I could since a wise and kindred spirit in him. Janet my waitress friend came by the table to tell me it was time for to go to work. My new friend Michael excused himself and asked if he could meet me here again in the morning. Even though tomorrow was Saturday, I happily agreed.

After he left, Janet told me he had been checking me out and seemed interested. She said, "He's a real 'looker' too!" I laughed really hard. She always cracked me up, that's what I liked about her. As I walked to work, I felt light as a cloud. I haven't felt like this in years. At my desk I kept thinking about Michael and hearing the sound of his voice as if I had tape-recorded it. Could he really like me? Or was he just being nice? He was more than likely just a friendly but shy person looking for some conversation. Still I couldn't help but think about becoming romantically involved with someone.

That night alone curled in my bed I fantasized about having sex. I masturbated for the first time since the accident. It felt great. The possibility was never on my list before. What would it be like to make love to someone without ever seeing him? Maybe someday I would find out. At least now I could imagine it. Whether it would ever come true or not would be a different story. Then my doubts started to surface again. Who would want to date a blind girl? I cried for a while all alone with no one to hold or comfort me. As I drifted off to sleep I looked forward to my morning café rendezvous.

I met Michael the next morning and we had a great time. It was so good to just talk with a man without any weird implications. He made me at ease. Eventually he got up the nerve and asked me out. I was swooning. With his great sense of humor he said, "Maybe we could catch a movie." We made a date and he left. The next night he took me out to a new restaurant in town. I was so nervous but he read the entire menu for me and ordered the wine. It was the most wonderful evening of my life. When he walked me to my door he held my hand and kissed me on the cheek. My life suddenly took on a new magical outlook. We dated for a few more weeks and we could both feel the attraction to each other.

Then one night as we stood together at the door to my apartment I reached out and pulled him to me. He held my face gently and kissed me long and deep. I wanted to open my eyes and see him, but instead I asked him in. "Do you want to spend the night with me?" I blurted out. I just wanted him to hold me. To feel his warm body next to mine. He answered " Helen, I think I'm falling in love with you." I handed him the keys and he opened the door. We walked hand in hand to my bedroom. I let him take charge of the situation. He was very sensitive, and slowly undressed me as I stood next to the bed. I stood there completely naked, but I was not afraid.