by Debora Myers

Most people will agree that having a fight once in a while with their mate is healthy. No one can agree with one another all of the time so once in a while we can expect an argument to grow into a heated fight. This is normal human behavior. We become frustrated with the other person and sometimes one or both of us can lose it, especially when every little grudge and annoyance becomes too much to bear. We all know that fighting is normal occasionally but what can we do when one person uses aggression and fear tactics to control and suppress their partner?

The main reason some men and women use aggression to control one another is that they themselves are scared and insecure. By bullying their partner around they get the feeling of having the upper hand. This in actuality is far from the truth. It is usually the bully that feels so out of control and inferior that he can only make himself feel bigger and better by squashing anyone whom he feels is a threat.

I have had several relationships where a man used his anger to try and control me to get his way. Screaming, throwing things, name-calling, and debasement only made ex's out of them. Luckily I have the common sense to see through their hostility to the fragile, weak, little men that they were. It takes a real man to love a strong and self-assured woman.

Ok, easy enough just dump or divorce them. Well, that isn't always that easy if you have a family. If you're with someone that does admit he/she has a problem then maybe the relationship can be saved. The first thing I want to point out is that we do not have the right or the power to change anyone else. They must be willing to see the problem, we must be willing to see our part in it and both partners must be willing to work together on their own issues. Before throwing in the towel completely, read on.

First, we must stand our ground. I don't mean stand there and argue your point while he is in the freak mode. When he starts in on his anger control strategy the best thing to do is to not feed the fire. The first and best action to take when he starts to blow is to gently and calmly say, "I do not deserve this kind of treatment, I am leaving until you can compose yourself and we can talk about this in a civil manner." Then get out as fast as you can. The worst thing you can do when he losses his temper is to stand there and scream back at him. Get out of there! Go and get a cup of tea or go for a walk. Leave him standing alone frothing at the mouth. He will feel like an idiot and maybe see how stupid he is acting. Always stay cool.

Don't rub in just how irrational he was… He will eventually see his aggression if you remain calm. This is hard, I know! But it has worked for me. Also, when you want to discuss something about him that is bothering you, use common sense and do it when he is in a good space. Don't bring up any problems when he gets home from work hungry and tired. At least wait until he is rested and feeling good.

Another tactic that has worked for me is to use positive wording. When stating how a certain behavior hurts you, do not be blaming. "You are an inconsiderate, lazy, good for nothing, idiot when you put me down like that." He very well may be acting like an ass…but you will only force him to put up a wall. He will never hear or take to heart that he is hurting you. He will only hear that you think he's an idiot. Try saying instead, gently, but firmly, "Dear, I love you, but when you speak to me that way you hurt me so badly that you're chipping away at the love I have for you. If you continue to hurt me like this I believe there will be nothing left for me to love."

By gently and firmly explaining how his actions make you feel with love he will most likely be more receptive to the message. This is only a first step. To continue a relationship with someone that has been using aggression to dominate you, you should stay only if you see him making positive changes in the ways he handles his anger. If he is making progress by attempting to control himself and by admitting he has a problem then maybe there is a chance at salvaging the relationship. Stand your ground firmly. Get help for yourself from a counselor and suggest he do the same.

If you are not getting through and there is little or no improvement then maybe one should get out of the relationship before you get so sucked in and depressed that there seems to be no way out. If your partner is abusing you physically and is constantly abusing you verbally then please get some professional help. Do not stay with a person who hurts you. If he admits he has a problem and is willing to do everything he can to evolve into a truly caring partner then maybe you can both work it out, with professional help.

If he refuses to change it's time to get a new life. Life is too short to be living in fear and unhappiness. There are plenty of good fish in the sea! So don't hide in the corner crying your eyes out. Get out there and live life to it's fullest. After getting out of a bad relationship I suggest getting some help to work out your insecurities and issues before jumping into a new relationship. Our subconscious mind has a way of attracting the same kind of person to us that we left before. Until we have learned why we are attracted to those types in the first place we usually attract the same lesson to us again and again. So take your time, figure out what is driving you and deal with it. No lover can save you from yourself. That is your job. Then once you have gotten it together and are full and secure in yourself you can draw a love to you that will be your compliment!